I have these two really stupid friends. No matter what I do, I just can’t seem to shake them. I avoid them, sneer at them, treat them rudely, yet still, they hang around. They’re sucking the life out of me like a couple of starving leeches. I know! Why would these two hang around when I show them no love?
My two so-called friends are Self-Doubt and Jealousy. I looked around today and realized that they are still here, whispering in my ear, reminding me that I am nothing special, that I am a giant empty cup with a chipped rim.
Self-Doubt is the worst because she’s quiet, muttering under her breath all the time, giving me ideas, bad ideas, dim ideas about myself. I can’t help but overhear, can’t help but wonder if she’s not right, even though she doesn’t look me in the eye and pretends that she wants what is best for me. She acts like a protector of sorts, like she’s providing me some great service by standing between me and the world.
Jealousy is a loud mouth, the kind of girl that just won’t shut up. She smacks her gum and rolls her eyes and shines a high-wattage spotlight at my neighbors and at my friends, highlighting their stuff, their accomplishments, their emerald green lawns without the blemish of a single dandelion. I try to ignore Jealousy and walk into the other room, but she follows me, taunting me, asking me if I’d like a Coach purse, one of those soft leather ones . . . and I don’t even care about purses, but this purse, this unobtainable purse, the purse other women with defined lips carry, somehow, after she talks about it, I want that purse. I wonder why I don’t have that purse. What mistake did I make that I ended up here, in this family room where the carpet needs to be shampooed, without a Coach purse?
I DON’T EVEN LIKE PURSES!
She moves on to things I want, things I dream about, things I think might be nice. A vacation in a warm place. A smaller pair of jeans than I can zip up now. A book contract. Children who instantly obey and never complain about putting their stinky shoes in their own room. Whatever I have, whatever I’ve accomplished, whatever I love pales in comparison to the shiny baubles she swings in front of my eyes. Instead of being pleased for other people, Jealousy suggests that I am diminished by their joy, which is a lie straight from the pit of hell, yet a lie that I roll around in my head like a silver marble.
With friends like these, who needs Satan?
At least I see beyond their straight teeth and glossy hair and recognize these two for what they are. Jealousy and Self-Doubt are poison, the kind of poison that looks pretty and tastes sweet, but which will burn my tongue like hot sauce and sear my soul like a toxic acid.
I am a blessed woman, a thankful woman, a woman who will push open an unlocked door and walk through it without fear. (God, please open some doors!) I am grateful.
Perhaps I ought to change the locks to keep out the lowlifes.
Actual Unretouched Photo 
I know those two. They get around. Especially lately when it seems that all my efforts at weight loss are just wasted time and energy. Perhaps I should change my locks as well.
~Mariah~
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Oh, Mel. Just tell them to go to hell. Or, back where they came from.
And, while you are at it, could you have them stop over here and pick up their evil sister “Why Me”? She has taken up residence here, and I’m beginning to grow to weak-willed to send her on her way myself.
“With friends like these, who needs Satan?”
Truly, the best line you have ever written.
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I hope this post means you’ve decided to ignore your self doubt friend and attend the writer’s conference.
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And the very things that I embraced
To medicate my pain
Turned out to be imposters
And poison in my brain
— Randy Stonehill, “Every heartbeat is a prayer”
I know your “friends,” too — I especially hate the insidiousness with which they pretend to be protecting and helping me.
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Yep, struggle with those two as well. As a young woman I used to tell myself that as long as I was more critical of myself than of others, then no harm, no foul. Ha! Doesn’t work. It sounds contradictory, but sadly I ended up being just as self-loathing as I am self-righteous. In fact I don’t recall ever being critical of just myself or only of others-maybe these “friends” always show up together. Even though I still hear their whispered lies, the only thing that keeps them on the other side of my heart’s door is to remind myself at every turn NOT to compare myself to others-period. Only to Christ which serves to make me more thankful-period. It’s not easy and I haven’t chased them off yet, but I’m trying!
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Yup, I know them too. Amazing how popular they are. I mean, they always find someone to hang out with, no matter how badly they behave. Hmm, it was like that in jr. high too. The nastiest girls were the ones everyone wanted to be. lol. Maybe that means that as we mature we’ll see those “friends” for who they really are and tire of spending time with them.
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What a timely post! I was JUST contemplating a blog post based on things these two “friends” have been whispering to me lately.
Thanks ever so much for the reality check.
Brilliant, brilliant post.
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Excellent, excellent post!
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yeah, I know what you mean. My friend is chocolate and snacks.
About that sunny vacation, it’s snowy here now but if you ever want to visit DC and don’t mind a full house, come on over. I’m serious. My husband would be fine with it too, I’m sure. And my three boys, instant playmates. They’ll have your daughter laughing… I vagely remember your christmas photo and how you got her laughing.
Plus, I’ve always wanted to meet you.
I should mention that we live in a split foyer though. Somehow we could do it!
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Yep, those ladies get around. I entertain them more than I’d care to admit.
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This has to be one of your best posts so far… so true, so true… also why you SHOULD have a book deal. I would SO buy your book.
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Envy showed up at my house today – in the guise of a “Holiday” letter from a friend who spent last year traveling the world with her husband and two children. It’s hideous what I can think about – I reminded myself to count my blessings (my health, for example) that my friend doesn’t enjoy.
The sad part is: for the most part, I am a happy person. I have two beautiful daughters, a husband who loves me. A job I love. But send me a letter and tell me about your trips and the money your spending (indirectly of course – mention that your 6-year-old loves to fly 1st class), and I get all dissastisfied.
And here I am, still being snarky.
Thanks, Mel, for reminding me I’m not alone.
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they like to hang out at my house too!
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Those two travel to North Mississippi regularly. Every time I get an issue of my college’s alumni magazine and see how great everyone else is doing. Every time I see one of “those moms” with their perfectly outfitted kids and the toile totebags with their names embroidered on. Every time I think about people who have options in their lives. I want options!
I almost cried reading this post. You have a gift from God for writing, Mel. Tell that to Self-Doubt!
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My bugaboos are Second Thoughts and Regrets. They must be Self-Doubt’s and Jealousy’s first cousins.
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I wondered where those two went! Please don’t let them know you know me! I just finally shook them, and if they get my address they’ll be back here hounding me again. Not that I don’t feel bad for you..but these two have an interesting track record with a few of us. No one can tell them to get lost, but you! So…apparently they do listen – altho you do have to tell them numerous times…I’ll be praying they moveon….or go back where the started from – and I ‘aint’ speakin about my house!
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Aw.. I too know these two all to well. (I am not sure that I have ever written a sentence before with all of these too,to,two’s in it :-)) Miss Guilt is another clinger-oner. I say.. time to give these three the boot.
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Excellent message! I stumbled onto your blog by “chance” tonight. I followed a link on one blog that I read to another then to another and on and on until I found this post. I NEEDED to be here and read this TONIGHT.
Jealousy, self-doubt and self-pity have taken up residence at my house. You see, my daughter is terminally ill – has been for a looooong time. She has had a very difficult life including 5 heart surgeries, 2 strokes, blindness, paralysis and many, many other things… in the last three years she started having lung bleeds due to the anatomy of her heart and lungs. My beautiful daughter was born with very complex heart defects that include defects of the arteries to the lungs. She is now 18 years old (but on the level of about an 8 year old) and she is getting sicker and she knows it. We have had a very difficult time lately and these three “friends” have been partying at our home. My daughter is suffering from hypoxia (lack of oxygen) and there’s nothing more that can be done for her except comfort care. She deals with a lot of pain and doesn’t get out of the house much. She has a lot of anxiety and depression – she needs me so much – and I have been getting worn down physically, emotionally and spiritually.
I have a loving husband and 3 wonderful sons. I have seen miracles. My daughter regained her vision and her faculties following devastating strokes. She learned to talk when she was not expected to (one stroke was in the speech area of the brain and she had to learn sign language). She has been at death’s door many times and has returned to us each time with so much love in her heart. She also beat hospice! She was having so many lung bleeds and after much testing, 2 1/2 years ago we enrolled her in a children’s home-based hospice program. She improved so much that after a year hospice had to un-enroll her! The hospice team come to visit socially on occasion and are there if we need them again, but they told us that less than 10% of people who enroll in hospice ever are un-enrolled because they improve. My daughter has out-lived by far anyone’s expectations – even all the experts who love her dearly – are amazed by her daily. She is an angel – everyone who meets her is touched by her. She loves life and enjoys the simple things like hugs, coloring books, new crayons, silly jokes and rhymes. She prays for everyone, including an old drunk man that we saw fall into the street the other day on our way to a doctor’s visit. (he wasn’t run over, thank goodness! but I stopped my big SUV with the wheelchair & lift on the back while others helped him out of the street) How can I be entertaining Jealousy, self-doubt and self-pity? They don’t belong here. And how dare they try to become “friends” with my pure and innocent daughter?
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU! For reminding me to kick them out the door and lock it. Satan isn’t welcome in our home, why should I let those gals in?
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So you found her, thank you! Now I know where to look. And it makes sense now why I sometimes want something that I normally like.
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Well I was all set to answer you with a ‘woe is me’ response when I read Nancy’s comment.
Isn’t it amazing how God works? She was directed to your blog even though she didn’t know you were there waiting with the post she needed to read.
Wonderful.
~K!
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Wow, what a great post. I struggle through much of this (although I am a purse hound, I confess!), the inner voices telling us how worthless we really are. I am encouraged by your transparency, thank you!
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Melodee, bless your heart for this post … it all sounds so familiar. Thank you for sharing this. I feel blessed by it 🙂
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What a perfect post….if there is such a thing. You’ve tapped your readers to a tee. Thank you for writing what I only thought I dealt with. I’m still fighting with these friends but they are moving ever closer to the curb.
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