Seventeen Years and Counting

My husband is leaving me tomorrow.  Today we celebrated our seventeenth anniversary.  It’s always this way because we got married on July 18, right in the very middle of the summer when he always has to jet off for an annual church-related meeting.  Some years, he’s even gone on our actual anniversary day.
 
But we are a very low-maintenance couple.  I’m an extremely low-maintenance wife, in fact.  He should thank me for that.  While the baby was napping, we had brunch at a very hoity-toity restaurant overlooking the Puget Sound.  We spent $50.00 on our meal.  And wouldn’t you know it?  Someone gave us a check for $50.00 today for our anniversary.  I like to think that God is looking out for us.
 
We never linger in restaurants.  We’re kind of that couple who speaks a little, but mostly sits in companionable silence, gazing out the windows, trying to eavesdrop on other patrons (I’m the eavesdropper–he mostly wishes he had a tiny little television screen attached to his wrist so he could always keep tabs on Fox News).  We finished so quickly that I dropped him off at home and went to the grocery store.  We need provisions during these five days he’ll be gone and I most certainly do not want to take four children into the grocery store.  That would be financial suicide.
 
We agreed not to exchange gifts or even cards.  I’m unsentimental like that.  I’ve heard people talk about renewing their vows and stuff like that, which I find to be a silly idea.  My vows haven’t expired and I hated putting on the whole wedding the first time around.  I didn’t like all those people watching me walk up the aisle, I didn’t like the long session with the photographer, I didn’t like having to make small talk with so many people.  Why would I do that to myself again? 
 
Anyway, so happy anniversary to me.  It really is easier to stay married the longer you’ve been married.  If, of course, you chose wisely.  I chose a man who is kind, calm, diligent, trustworthy, dependable, funny–very, very funny–a man with good friends and a consistent, solid world-view, a man who seeks to understand theology and who longs to be an authentic follower of Christ.  He also puts up with me, which is quite an undertaking since I am 1)  a woman and 2) always right and 3) ridiculously sequential in the way I deal with the world.  Also, he laughs at my sarcastic jokes.  How can I not stay married to a guy like that?
 
And now, I have to go clean out our 1992 Buick.  It’s sitting in the church parking lot with a trunk full of hamster cages and a Lego table and other assorted junk.  I need to empty it because we are donating it to charity.  The last time it didn’t start we decided enough was enough.  The poor thing has 265,000+  miles on it.  From now on, we’re a one-car family.
 
My husband leaves at 6:20 a.m. and what better way to spend our last night together–our anniversary night–than for me to be cleaning out the old car?  Happy Anniversary, Dear!

Anonymous Speaks!

Welll, looky here. Anonymous’ real name is Melinda and she left me a wordy comment on yesterday’s post. Although she says she’s read “enough filth” here in the last two days, I thought I’d answer her questions anyway because I find those members of the Reading Incomprehension Club so amusing and endearing.

First, I want to remind my readers (all three of you, how pathetic, right?) that my original post about Michael Moore’s movie was really just about going to the movies. I did not offer a political commentary, but just a description of my strange experience going to see this particular bit of propaganda as a Republican in my fiercely Democratic state.

Here’s what Melinda had to say in response to my Open Letter.

Dear Mel,

Please accept my most sincere apology. How silly of me to think that your “blog” was for the expression of any and all opinions. Clearly it is only intended on for those opinions that mimic your own. Nice to have a posse of like-minded buddies to give you the old thumbs-up isn’t it? Interesting though, the posse seems to only include such a precious few. I’m still not sure how I stumbled on you or why I felt compelled to respond. And yet here I am again.

Well, thank you, Melinda, for the apology. You are most certainly welcome to post whatever opinions you wish, but as this is Mel World, I am the Queen and therefore, I am right. But it was nice of you to stop by–I’ve had such fun responding to your comment from that post I made so long ago. Oh, and I don’t actually have a posse. This is a blog, you know, not a rap video. Are you trying to insult me by pointing out my lack of readership? Oh, boy, that hurts. Ouch, ouch.

I said in my previous post: 1) Do the parents of the dead babies in Iraq deserve less respect that the survivors of the 9/11 terrorist attack?

Melinda says: You bet they do! My intention was to defend the concept of not showing the same gruesome photos again and again to incite panic in an effort to engender support for a baseless cause. And maybe, just maybe, those horrifying images of dead children might just wake up the masses. Uh hello-The United States purposely attacked Iraq and didn?t give a tiny rat’s – – – about collateral damage.

Ah, there’s the pesky problem of reading comprehension again. I asked if the parents of dead Iraqi babies deserve LESS respect that the relatives of the 9/11 victims. You said “You bet they do!” So, it doesn’t matter to you if Michael Moore exploits the grief and loss of Iraqi people? You would find it abhorent if images of the 9/11 massacre were shown, yet you do not find similar photos of Iraqi nationals also abhorent. How strange. Do you refuse to see the double-standard here?

And um, how exactly do you know that the United States doesn’t give a “rat’s – – -” about collateral damage? Oh, that’s right. You don’t know.

In my previous post, I said: 2) Did I mention how I feel about our government’s attack on Iraq? Do you think it’s possible to be horrified by dead Iraqi civilians and horrified by Michael Moore’s movie at the same time? ?

Melinda answers: True, you don’t mention how you feel about this despicable war–perhaps you should have.

Well, my post about my experience going to a movie was not intended to be a dissertation on my political views. If you want to read a blog about political views, there are literally millions of them to choose from. This blog is a personal journal. And you are taking great offense to my viewpoint about propaganda a movie.

Melinda continues: I’d like to think the human mind has the capacity to think/believe 2 things at once. And yet you disprove that. Do you think it is possible to love one’s country and be horrified by involvement in a war that makes no one safer, removes no threat to our nations sovereignty and only lines the pockets of the Bush’s cabinet?

I disprove your theory about believing two things at one time how exactly? So, you do agree with me that I can be horrified about dead Iraqi civilians AND hate Michael Moore’s ridiculous movie full of half-truths at the same time? Well, at least we have found common ground.

I absolutely think it’s possible to love one’s country and be horrified by the Iraqi war. Do I think that the war “makes no one safer, removes no threat to our nation’s sovereignty and only lines the pockets of the Bush cabinet”? No, of course not. How simplistic. But if it makes it easier for you to deal with a world that you’ve painted in only black and white, please, feel free. Just don’t call me narrow-minded.

I continued in my previous post: 3) How was I personally duped by our president, oh, All-Knowing Anonymous One?

Melinda says: The “all-knowing anonymous one” can only assume based on information provided. Maybe you weren’t duped, although you give every indication that you support the murder of hundreds of children, women & men–many of who are your compatriots. Forgive my rush to judgment.

I forgive your rush to judgment. Oh wait, did you just say I support the murder of hundreds of children, women and men? Oh, yeah, you’ve got me all figured out now! Now, if one dares to criticize Michael Moore’s movie, one supports the murder of hundreds of children, women and men. Oh yes, I see how that makes perfect logical sense.

My previous post ended: Thank your for your interest in my opinion. Next time, how about playing fair and signing your actual name? Otherwise, your opinion doesn’t count.

And by the way, saying something out loud does not make it true. Neither does publishing something in a book. You might want to make a note of that for future reference.

Melinda says: Interesting closing statement. Safe to say this would apply to the trash you suggest we all read by Christopher Hitchens. Guess what I did. I?m actually rather well read. And in “my opinion” he is no different than Michael Moore. Stating his opinion, supporting his cause. We choose to believe what jives with our own value structure. You have yours and I have mine and never the 2 shall meet.

I actually believe in absolute truth, so I’ll have to disagree with you here. There is truth and then, there is Fahrenheit 9/11.

Melinda says: Lest you marginalize my opinion as invalid by lack of a name, allow me to introduce myself, Melinda from not so far from where you live. No need to get your dander up. I won’t be visiting or responding anytime soon. I’ve had enough filth for 2 days.
Oh yes one last thing. I took a moment to cruise “about you”. Do you think your adopted children will grow up and appreciate being differentiated from their “homegrown” siblings? Gosh shame on you again!

Nice to meet you. Now, Melinda, do you really think that featuring your comments as post in my blog is “marginalizing” your opinion? I could have deleted your comments immediately after I read them, but guess what? I didn’t! If anything marginalizes your comments, it would be your name-calling and your insults to the Queen of this blog (yeah, that would be me). Didn’t your mother teach you any manners?

For the record, my “dander” is not up. I laughed my head off when I read your comments and have been cracking my husband up for two days now, reciting your words to him. My original post was meant to bait as well as entertain. Glad to see it worked. Sorry you won’t be back. Just pull that door shut behind you, will you? Thanks.

Oh, and thank you so much for your kind concern about my “adopted children.” Oh dear, you’re right! Shame on me! I should be keeping their adoption a secret from them! I do call them “Hey, Adopted TwinBoyB” and “Hey, Adopted TwinBoyA” here around the house. Do you think maybe I should stop doing that? Should I let them sleep in the house? They seem so comfortable in the shed, after all. We tell them all the time that we could send them back to the orphanage. You really think that’s too harsh?

Well, thanks again for stopping by, Melinda. It’s been fun.

An Open Letter to Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I received your comment today in response to my post about Michael Moore:

Anonymous said: “Thankfully there are very few responses to your narrow-minded and bigoted perspective to Michael Moore’s documentary Fahrenheit 9/11. It gives me hope that I am not alone and you represent the minority. It is outrageous that people can actually be this ignorant after all that has been revealed to support the so-called “satire” exposed by Michael Moore. Shame on you for condemning him for having the respect to not show the charred and mangled remains of the victims of 9/11 for the millionth time. Shame on you for not having the common sense to be disgusted by your own government who inflicted that gruesome death on children in Iraq for their own financial gain. Shame on you for not being able to recognize when you have been duped by a greedy presidency. And shame on you for being so intolerant and insulting to those of us who can only laugh in the face of a president who does not even posses a basic grasp of the English language. Did it ever occur to you that the giggles and laughter you heard where based in sheer humiliation because “that” is our president with the vacant gaze???

The reason the theater was not empty and you were a “Republican Island” is because the rest of us seek the truth that our government seems unable to provide. And from the sounds of your post, you are clearly not smarter than everyone you shared that theater with…just more myopic!!!!!”

“And I reply: Thank you so much for your anonymous opinion about me. This kind of reminds me of the time I received an anonymous note from a disgruntled church member: “Stop playing the hymns so fast. I hate the music.” It always brightens one’s day to know that a completely anonymous person has such strong opinions about my opinions.

Now, I just want to point out that this entire blog is, in essence, my opinion piece, just as Michael’s Moore’s movie is his opinion piece. Apparently, you grant Michael Moore the right to criticize people he disagrees with, yet I am not granted that same privilege in your eyes.

Also, I have a few questions:

1) Do the parents of the dead babies in Iraq deserve less respect that the survivors of the 9/11 terrorist attack?

2) Did I mention how I feel about our government’s attack on Iraq? Do you think it’s possible to be horrified by dead Iraqi civilians and horrified by Michael Moore’s movie at the same time?

3) How was I personally duped by our president, oh, All-Knowing Anonymous One?

Thank your for your interest in my opinion. Next time, how about playing fair and signing your actual name? Otherwise, your opinion doesn’t count.

And by the way, saying something out loud does not make it true. Neither does publishing something in a book. You might want to make a note of that for future reference.

” . . . and I’ve got the t-shirt.”

I hated to do it, but last night after I put Babygirl to bed at 8:00 p.m., I had to grocery shop. I drove to the store via the route along the beach and was rewarded by the amazing sight of the sunlight sparkling on the Puget Sound as the sun began its descent from the sky.

I thought of all the times my dad would inform us we were going for a “drive,”–a roving journey with no destination. We almost always headed for the mountains. My mother would grip the dashboard with her hands and dig her foot into the floorboard as if she could control the car from the passenger seat. She has a little issue with heights and never could get comfortable driving on a narrow road along the edge of a steep incline.

This was way before the days of GameBoys. We didn’t even have a cassette player in our car, so we’d just sit and stare out the windows–and, of course, poke each other and complain and ask ten thousand times, “Are we almost there?” as if we were actually heading somewhere.

And then, there it would appear. A scenic vista with a sign and a place to pull off the side of the road. We’d scramble out of the back seat and stand at the edge of the lookout and peer into the distance–and often see more trees and more valleys and maybe, if we were extremely lucky, a stream or river or even hit the jackpot and see a waterfall. We’d stretch our legs and breathe fresh air and maybe shiver because mountain air is always chillier than low-land air.

And then my dad would say, “You’ve seen it. Get back in the car.”

This phrase became a family expression, one of those things that glues you and your dysfunctional siblings together. Thirty years later, you say to your brother, the one who was a skinhead for awhile: “You’ve seen it. Get back in the car,” and you are eight years old again, staring at Nature and the world is full of possibilities and hopefully, a snack somewhere. And you both laugh, because you both know exactly what it means and what it meant.

(Our other family expression was “It’s in a box in the garage.” We moved when I was 11, after my parents’ divorce, and some boxes were literally never unpacked. When something came up missing, my dad would say, “It’s in a box in the garage.” My siblings and I still say this to each other, as if it makes perfect sense.)

So, I reached the grocery store. I shopped quickly and almost finished, when I realized I had to walk all the way back across the store to find a cube of Diet Pepsi (on sale, $4.99). That’s when I ran into Suzi, a woman from church.

Suzi is probably about 50. We had a nice long chat, right between housewares and best-sellers. We discussed Vacation Bible School (going very well, thanks for asking), menopause (she’s better now, but a couple years ago, the hot flashes almost killed her, but a pill takes care of that), my husband’s ability to preach (she actually grew teary-eyed and I thought she might cry right there in Fred Meyers, which is always kind of strange for me, even though my husband is an extremely gifted preacher), mornings (she’s not a morning person), kids (she stopped at one), Texas (our husbands are both from there), weather, housekeeping (her daughter-in-law: she’s not a housekeeper, but she is really good with the kids). It went on and on. I was just happy I hadn’t hit the frozen food aisle yet.

And then–I don’t remember the topic–she said, “I’ve been there. Done that, got the t-shirt.” And I thought “You’ve seen it. Get back in the car.” Same thing.

I returned home after 9:00 p.m. and found my husband watching television and his brand-new George Foreman Grill still smelling like the salmon he’d grilled earlier. The kids had been invited to spend the night at their friends, but he couldn’t find one of the sleeping bags, so I put away the groceries, filled the dishwasher and found the sleeping bag. By then it was 9:30 p.m. and I hated to leave my house again.

My reward, though, was a view of the sky just before it fell asleep. The edge of the horizon was still pink, but the islands had become dark blue outlines in the periwinkle water. I dropped off the sleeping bag.

Then took a final look at the sky and the water and thought, “You’ve seen it. Get back in the car,” and went home to finish my paperwork for today’s exciting episode of Vacation Bible School.

And The Race Begins

My alarm went off at 5:30 a.m. and I actually heeded its buzz and immediately rose and got into the shower. Today is the first day of Lava Lava Island: Where Jesus’ Love Flows, our church’s annual Vacation Bible School. I’ve been spending lots of my spare time preparing for the arrival of one hundred children and thirty volunteers. This morning, I was at the church by 6:00 a.m. to photocopy schedules and maps and to make nametags for all the kids and to deliver clothesline to the preschool room and to organize, organize, organize.

I am a detail-oriented person, so most of this gives me great satisfaction. I love to do things sequentially and orderly and neatly. I think we are all set. Of course, there will be last-minute snafus and glitches, but as I like to tell myself: next week, this will all be over!

I returned home by 7:00 a.m. so I’d be here when DaycareKid arrived. While I waited for him, I heard a baby’s cough. Oh no. I just wiped the kid’s snotty nose. Looks like another cold, or a resurrection of his last cold.

My own kids are all asleep still–why they can’t all sleep on a morning when I, too, can sleep is just one of those unfair things about life. But in one hour, they will all be ready to go. I’ll take the babies with me at 8:20 a.m., take DaycareKid to the nursery for childcare and then cart Babygirl around with me because she will not stay in childcare. She’s one of those babies who gets hysterical if I leave the house without her. I left her in the nursery for about ten minutes during church yesterday and I could literally hear her shrill screams all the way upstairs, through closed windows and doors. I know I could desensitize her to my absences and train her not to scream her head off when we leave her in a nursery or with a babysitter, but I also know that she will outgrow this. Why put her through any unnecessary trauma? (I used to sneer at moms like me when I was a teenager who knew everything.)

After I leave, a friend will pick up my husband and the bigger kids to bring them to church. We don’t have a car big enough to transport two adults and five kids, so this will have to do. It took me a long time to even figure out this solution. One of my earlier solutions involved my husband pushing Babygirl two miles to church in a stroller.

Hey! One of my kids is awake, so I’m off to get him dressed and ready to go.

On your mark, get set, GO!

Stuck at Home

I’m stuck at home. When I was a teenager without a driver’s license, I thought that a car and a license were my ticket to freedom. And yet, now I have both, but I’m here. Stuck.

Yeah, I know. It’s all in how you look at it, but I tend to be a glass-half-empty kind of girl, so these kids in my house sometimes seem like handcuffs and ankle chains to me. Our 1992 Buick Park Avenue died recently and so I am stranded on this desert island. I wish it were a dessert island, because then I’d be gorging on chocolate mousse and cheesecake drizzled with caramel sauce and carrot cake with thick cream cheese frosting. But I digress.

Even if I had a car–no, a van, I am trapped here by Babygirl’s nap-time. It’s not exactly that I’m inflexible. It’s just that I will not, cannot, choose not to alter her naptime in any way. Okay. I’m inflexible. Some things are sacred, though. Cows in the streets of India and my baby’s naptime. Mess with either and you risk coming back in your next life as a gnat. Or a politician. Or me.

But if I had a car, I would have to figure out a place to take these children that:
1) They would all enjoy;
2) Would not cost me a fortune; and
3) Isn’t too far away.

That rules out hiking, going to the ocean, Chuck E. Cheese, malls, restaurants, museums, zoos, water parks, stores, and pretty much all public places and areas where almost-2 year olds are apt to throw fits or get kidnapped or run into traffic or get scared. For instance, how fun would it be to go to Pike’s Place Market? All the sights, sounds, smells?

It would cost twenty dollars just to park. Then my kids would want to eat and they’d probably get kidnapped or they’d need to go to the bathroom and then Babygirl would have a fit and I’d have to carry her kicking and screaming past the tourists and the fish-throwers and drive back home in heavy traffic while the baby shrieks in the back seat and the kids complain that their feet hurt and they’re thirsty and can we please stop by McDonalds?

My kids seem happy, even though they are just here, stuck at home. With me. The twins are watching an old movie (Lion King) from their preschool days and YoungestBoy’s out in the backyard wearing a red bandana as a cape and Babygirl is napping. I’ve had three Diet Cokes and half a bag of baby carrots and have avoided carrying the laundry downstairs for as long as is reasonable. Maybe we’ll go to the pool tonight.

Someday I won’t have a two year old and I won’t be Stuck at Home and we’ll go somewhere and do something. But not today.

Now, if I could only figure out a way to get stranded on a Dessert Island, I’d really have something to anticipate.

Reading

I can write. I can read. But I cannot write html code, so I cannot put a reading list on the side of this blog. So, instead, I’m just going to write a periodic entry about my reading adventures. Kind of a summer reading thing.

Last week I read Jon Krakauer’s Under the Banner of Heaven. Excellent book, well-researched and interesting, too. I learned stuff I never knew about the founders of the Mormon religion. Of course, I had to actually pay attention and think hard sometimes, so that’s why my next book was The Nanny Diaries.

I read it in two days–two days of ignoring the bits of popcorn on the family room floor, two days of closing the laundry room door on the ever-growing pile of laundry, two days of not looking down at the unclean kitchen floor. This is the kind of book that makes me think, “I could do this. I could write this book.” There are some books–Poisonwood Bible, for instance–that leave me convinced that I could never, ever pen a novel. But these other novels? I could do it. All I need is time, time, time.

I even have an idea.

My husband thinks I fritter away so much time that if I just applied myself I could write a best-seller and he could buy a bigger, better house. I just smile and nod at him, because he’s insane. Even if I wrote a book and had it published, that doesn’t mean we’ll be rolling in crisp dollar bills a la Demi Moore in “An Indecent Proposal.”

And just because all the idle moments in my day add up to a couple of hours does not mean I have long stretches of time, thinking time, daydreaming time, essential time where I could rearrange characters and situations and dialogue in my head without kids constantly trampling through my thoughts. I’m half-crazed as it is now by the never-ending interruptions God gave me.

Oh, and that reminds me. I have a little writing assignment. I really should get to that instead of letting this time trickle through my fingers like sand in the sandbox.

(Just in the time it took me to write this, I answered the phone, told YoungestBoy that I would NOT cut the bottom off a frozen water bottle so he could play with the bottle-shaped ice, told my other boys to eat a sandwich if they are still hungry after popcorn and Mountain Dew, cut the bottom off the water bottle to keep YoungestBoy from slicing his fingers off with a butter knife, answered questions from the boys at least five times and decided it’s official. My week of PMS has begun.)

The Barbie is a Tramp

Last night, I took Babygirl with me to Weight Watchers. She’s been unusally clingy and even when my husband takes her for a ride in her stroller around the block, she whimpers “mama, mama” like a malfunctioning talking doll.

I told her we were going to a meeting and she said, “Meening!” I weighed in (lost another 1.7 pounds, woo-hoo) and then we found a seat at the very back. Normally, before I leave the house, I bring a Zip-loc bag of pretzels for her to snack on, but I purposely didn’t bring her a snack because this is Weight Watchers, where we’re all trying not to snack and who needs to hear the crunch of pretzels while they are trying to listen?

Apparently, the little boy with glasses in the row ahead of us didn’t get that memo, however. One hand held a Jack-in-the-Box bag while the other clutched a handful of greasy fries. Obviously, he’s being raised by wolves. Babygirl shouts, “Sies! Sies!” That would be “fries” in Babygirl-talk.

I try to distract her because the speaker has begun, but she will not be deterred. “SIES! SIES!”

We left the meeting and drove straight to McDonald’s, where I bought fries (for us both) and a cheeseburger (for me). Don’t worry, I saved points for it. I actually ordered a Happy Meal because it comes with a small drink and the portion of food is reasonable for a weight-watching person.

The toy inside was a Barbie figure. And not just a figure, but a figure, if you know what I mean. This Barbie is a tramp. She wears black platform shoes with heels which would be at least six inches in the real world. Her pants are low enough to show her belly button, which surprisingly enough is not pierced. She’s wearing no bra under her one-shouldered shirt. Over this ensemble is a short, black faux-fur jacket. As always, her hair is bleached blond and long enough to reach her tiny little butt (no panty-lines–I suppose she’s wearing a thong or going commando).

In my day, Barbie was not a tramp. Sure, she had a killer bod, but she did not dress like a hooker or a rap video chick. What executive decided that Street-Corner Barbie was appropriate for a Happy Meal? What’s next? A Ron Jeremy action figure?

If I Scream, Will I Feel Better?

Next week, our church’s annual Vacation Bible School will begin. I am in charge, as I have been for the past three years. Why? I broke the rule I made for myself when we arrived here six years ago: I will be happy to volunteer, but I will not lead. Normally, people assume the pastor’s wife will do everything, and pretty soon, she does. I won’t. Not here. Not this time.

But I did agree to do this and now, five days before it begins, I get a call from my crafts leader. Two days’ worth of crafts kits are missing. Back-ordered. No one knows when they will arrive, but my contact person in Minnesota is checking for me.

And I realized yesterday that I am short about five warm bodies. I have my main station leaders recruited, but I need people to be “crew leaders,” essentially escorts for small groups of children. If I don’t recruit a few more people, my small groups of kids will be big groups of kids and the quality of our program will suffer.

Then, the other problem that looms over my head is the number of preschoolers we anticipate. I limited preschool registration to twenty slots this year, and they quickly filled up. People registered their preschoolers without checking with me, as the website instructed. I am terrified that on the actual day of VBS, I will have to turn away disappointed four year olds. I really, really don’t want to do that, so I’ll probably allow them to register, even though we aren’t equipped for more than twenty kids.

Well, I guess this is why I get the big bucks. Oh wait. That’s someone else. I’m doing this for free.

At least this will all be over in 10 days and then I’ll have a break. Oh wait. That’s when my husband will be gone for the entire week on business.

I’d better go make some phone calls. The last one I made sounded like this, “Hi, just calling to see if you will be able to help us out next week. If not, I’m just asking you to PRAY FOR ME! Thanks! Bye!”

Yawn

Last night at 11:20 p.m., the phone rang. A late night phone call means one of two things: 1) Really, supersized bad news or; 2) Some drunk guy looking for someone. Last night, a woman’s voice said, “I’m sorry to call so late, but I just got home and there was a message on my machine from Ruby Dunlap saying that Grandma was not at home and there was some type of emergency. Do you know what’s going on?” I said, “Hold on, let me give you to my husband,” and then I passed the phone to him. He was already asleep, while I was just watching the last part of the news with half-closed eyes and trying to read the final page of Vanity Fair.

He listened for a moment, then handed the phone back to me, saying, “It’s one of your relatives!”

Oh. It was my Aunt Geri (I didn’t recognize her voice because we seldom talk on the phone). I asked her if she called my mom–she said my mom’s line was busy. (My mom has dial-up internet, no wonder.) I told her I’d call my mom’s cell and figure this out.

Now, my grandmother is 98 years old and we’ve been thinking for years that she’s going to die sometime. Every Christmas we say, “This could be Grandma’s last Christmas.” Every birthday, every Mother’s Day, same thing. Yet, she just keeps on living alone in her immaculate, little house, blinded by macular degeneration, keeping the thermostat at eighty degrees because she’s always cold.

My mother’s phone rang and rang and then I left a message, hoping she’d pick up. Then I called her cell. No answer. Then I called her regular number again and this time she picked up.

My mom told me that the big emergency at my grandma’s house was that her phone didn’t work. And during the day my mom had picked up Grandma and brought her over to her house and they tried to call Ruby (my grandma’s friend who calls her every day) so Ruby wouldn’t worry, but they hadn’t been able to reach her.

So, Ruby, worried so much that she drove all the way over to Grandma’s house, found Grandma missing and alerted the media! Okay, she only called my Aunt Geri, but still. In the meantime, my mother returned my Grandma home and they called Ruby and all was well. And it turns out that the “phone trouble” was simply a handset that wasn’t quite hung up properly.

Except no one remembered to call Geri. So Geri called me. So, after my mother, Queen of Detailed Stories That Go On and On, told me all this, I called Geri back and told her the short version: Grandma is fine. She was just at my mom’s house.

My husband said, half-asleep, half-joking, “Next time, don’t hand me the phone when it’s your relatives.” I had mistakenly assumed it was a church member, because we occasionally get those kind of church-related calls. A few times, my husband has sprung out of bed into the middle of the night to sit by a hospital bed or hold hands in the emergency room.

My baby, sensing my weariness, called to me at 5:40 a.m.: “Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!” in a tone that suggested she’d been abandoned without food or drink for days on end. I don’t know why she woke up a full two hours earlier than normal, but she did go back to sleep by 6:45 a.m., after I sat and rocked her.

I face the day, then, shrouded in the kind of tired that prompted George Costanza (on Seinfeld) to actually build a bed into the bottom of his desk at work, the kind of tired that reminds me of having mononucleosis, the kind of tired that convinced me to crawl back into bed until 7:00 a.m., rather than shower. Nothing like facing the day bleary-eyed and dirty-haired.

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